Written By: Dave Brooks (D-Bro) andTim Bannock (T-Ban)
Los Angeles - 11/28/09
See all of the show pics here.
D-Bro: Did anyone ever think that you could walk into 3 corner stores on Hollywood Boulevard, THREE! corner stores, and not find any J Dizz? Unbelievable. Turns out that the prolonged liquor journey got us to the show at the exact right time. No sooner do I order a plain Coke ("I'm the designated driver, ::cough::"), take a piss, un"cock" the J Man and get to the stage, Unearth come out wanting to destroy the place. But, that's every night. Did I ever tell you that Unearth story? Yea. This one time......
T-Ban: There are two things that don't make sense to me. The first is that an all-ages metal festival has to start at 2PM, which is just ridiculous. The Palladium's a big place and has a lot going for it, but there's no venue that's going to keep my interest from that early in the day to the wee hours of the night. Not that an all-ages show goes to the wee hours, because you gotta respect the curfews of all the 10-year-olds with mohawks and ripped shirts of bands older than they are. The second is that you'd put Cannibal Corpse on the bill for an all-ages show. Cannibal Corpse! I'm not talking about censorship, I'm just saying that this band is just too funny for most kids to get. People don't realize how deeply that band's tongue is buried in it's cheek.
D-Bro: It's in between bands and I need to get my drank out of my dick. I hit the stall and think to myself "How much liquor could I really fit underneath my dick?", "What do you charge for a shot of liquor that's been tucked under your nuts?" and "How much money could I make as a Bathroom Bartender?" Eghh. The overhead would probably all go to hand sanitizer. It's the photo pass swap and I get to the verrrry front to enjoy the show close as shit, I mean, take pictures. Chimaira are the bomb. I think singer Mark Hunter was surprised to see a "photographer" banging that hard in front. What's funny, is that the sound up that close was awesome. That sound dude, I tells ya... ::shakes fist::T-Ban: So we set out for this 2PM metalfest sometime around 4PM, just in time to miss a bunch of local bands and arrive for Unearth, one of my Boston-area favorites. I actually hadn't kept up with these guys too much, and let me tell you, that's been a big mistake. I skirted my way into the photo pit as these guys opened up a blazing set; only to have every single goddamned security guy get in my way and ask me for my pass. I mean, I had to walk past a dozen of these douchers; can't they just take the short mental leap and realize that I got in using a pass? In and out of my pocket the pass went, and finally, I just got the hell out of there. At any rate, the guitar-work absolutely rocked, but the sound tech couldn't figure out how to mix the bass drums, so much of the band's sound was drowned out when the double bass came crashing in. A pity, considering this band's raw talent. The circle pit they incited more than made up for the follies at the soundboard, luckily.
T-Ban: Chimaira took the stage, and Dave was off with the photo pass! Now here's a band that can kick your ass from 20 yards out. Yet once again, Captain Craptasticles at the soundboard ruined it; the sound was muddier than a Venom album, ruining the discord that Chimaira so adeptly sows with their music. I swear that if I ever find the tech guy at the Palladium, I'm going to totally sic some big bruiser on his ass (I'm not tough enough to do anything about it myself, but I'll hurl insults as I run away).
D-Bro: After having to hear the tail end of Chimaira's set horribly disfigured. It seemed appropriate to me and Jacky D. that a talking to was in order with this sound guy.
D-Bro: "Hey, the double bass is too loud. You gotta turn it down"
Sound Guy: "I'm the lighting guy!"
Lighting Guy: "Sound guy is over there!"
D-Bro: "Oh"
- Walk over to the actual sound guy -
D-Bro: "Hey, you're mixing the double bass too loud. You can't hear the guitars."
Sound Guy: "There's no guitar playing"
(note: Cannibal Corpse was in the midst of their mic check. So, presently, there wasn't.)
D-Bro: "Ha. That's funny. But seriously, Chimaira and Unearth...you couldn't hear the guitar. The double bass was too loud."
Sound Guy turns and talks to someone else, ignoring me. I realize that this is going nowhere and leave with class.
D-Bro: "Turn down the double bass! You suck!"
And then you couldn't really hear Cannibal Corpses guitars unless they did a pinch harmonic. What the fuck?!?!
D-Bro: No matter for Cannibal Corpse. They'll just headbang their way out of it! I did try to keep up with the singer at one point. My windmill lasted roughly 20 seconds. It really seemed like most of the people were there for them. The pit was pretty big until "Hammer Smashed Face" came on. Then it EXPLODED and pulled me in. OK, I punched a guy in the kidney to get in. It was sort of too big. I showcased my moon walking and Riverdance skills for the ladies only to realize the "ladies" are guys with long hair. Why couldn't I have liked shitty pop music?
T-Ban: The unequivocal highlight of the night was Cannibal Corpse. I don't even really like this band's music, but oh my! How they have their schtick down to a SCIENCE! Yeah, that's right, all capitals. As Dave can attest, the growling George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher was headbanging and circle-whipping his neck with total abandon for the entire set. He even challenged the audience to keep up, saying, "...But you WILL fail." And he was right. All 20 girls in the packed audience screamed like Beatles fans back in the 60s for the song "Fucked With a Knife," and then the Corpse followed this up with a "song for all the whores," the classic "I Cum Blood." Yeah, these guys know what's what...T-Ban: Cannibal Corpse's evil was so vile and despicable that they shut down my camera, and so the rest of the show went undocumented (in photographic form, at least). By the time the Cannibal Corpse crew were done (more than a few people called it a night at this point, too), Dave was passed out in some corner, having lost most of the blood to his head trying to headbang along with the Corpse's vocalist, and I was busy puzzling out why in the name of Saint Testiclites we didn't badger Brian Slagel (of Metal Blade Records) for backstage passes when we randomly found him amidst the crowd. The conundrum was so great that Trivium was on and off the stage before I came out of my trance, and was able to revive Dave with a special cocktail of smelling salts (i.e., the sweet smell of hard liquor).
D-Bro: What happened to the Trivium set? I apparently, went missing for a while and decided to come back at the last second. Yes, that is very much so what happened.....
The closer is coming on to crack in some craniums and I just got Hatebreeded. Luckily there's no shredding solos that you have to decipher in this awful mix. Did we say that the sound was bad yet? OK. Just checking.
It's roughly in the middle of a song and BOOM, the Hatebreed hits me haaadcaw'r. The pit get's sprayed with some Hatebreedle and it's a goddamn karate kicking contest. Whoa. I think I saw a latino Jean Claude Van Damme in there. They never hit anyone though.....interesting.... Well, they hatebreeded it as hatebreedingly hatebreedful as only Hatebreed can. I felt the Hatebreed fever in my bones for sure. Now, it's time to take a crap and smear it on the sound guy's door handles.
