Interview By: Dave BrooksDB: Who would win in a fight? Billy Mays, The Slap Chop/ShamWow Guy or Tony Robbins?
Alex: I think that Billy Mays will make the first few hits and then get very cocky, as the slap chop guy will immediately go on the defensive and try to use the classic "slap chop" move with the ridge of his hand. This will only result in him slapping Billy. At this point, Tony Robbins will recognize Billy's weakness, and grab him by the thumb, which is constantly sticking out, giving a thumbs up! Tony will then reflect on his own accomplishments and realize the importance of beating up Billy, and "Awaken the Giant Within!"
Billy will go down for the count, but not without yelling into his microphone about how well Oxyclean will clean up the blood on his shirt. Meanwhile, while the slap chop guy is slapping Tony while his back is turned, and Tony will strike! He grabs the slap chop guy's headset microphone and renders him helpless!
DB: Did you guys ever play with Devil Sticks as a kid?
Jake: Devil sticks... I never knew what they were called but I did play around with them during my dorky D&D/ Renaissance festival faze... I got good at it 'till I realized guitar was way cooler.
DB: Who's your favorite stand up comedian?
Jake: To be quite honest, it's a toss up between Bill Hicks and Mitch Hedberg. Did I spell that right? Well even if not, he is dead, so I don't think he can get mad.... or can he?
DB: What is the dumbest thing about being serious?
Jake: What a weird question. If that's a serious question... you are dumb. Is that an answer? IDK... I AM DUMB. Seriously.
DB: I ate this chick out with a full bush and it smelled like pee. How do I approach her about it?
Jake: This is a tough one... If you are concerned about her feelings being hurt, tell her to shave next time because the hair is preventing the Jedi/Ninja fellatio she deserves. If you don't care about her feelings, say "Bitch, your muff smells like piss, go take a shower and shave that hippie hat." Either way you win because A: She will have a nice clean shaven vagina for next time, or B: You never have to dive into the 'pee box' again. And I am sorry you actually went the distance with the urine smell in the first place.
DB: Make one extraordinary claim that you don't stand for and can't back up.
Jake: BEANS (the food) are perhaps the best thing to ever happen to human cuisine...
DB: Describe your dream sandwich in detail.
Jake: Easy question. The Italian Night Club from Jimmy Johns. Thank you for existing.
